Maybe You're Gay
by penchimerical
Summary: A short oneshot containing a take on what Karofsky's thoughts may have been in recent Glee episodes. Written using stream of consciousness.


Azimio's right - you have got to get yourself a girlfriend. Or at least a date. If you don't, people will start to get suspicious and you don't want that. But wait a moment, what are they going to get suspicious of? You've done nothing wrong. You've got nothing to hide. Why should they be suspicious? Because you don't want another girlfriend? There's nothing wrong with that. That's perfectly normal - you're a perfectly normal guy. But then, why don't you want one? All normal guys want girlfriends don't they? So why don't you? Do you have some problem? Maybe you're gay! No, no, no. No way. Why would you even think that? You're not gay. You were just being stupid, that's it. There's no way you're a fucking fag, no way. You just like to make dumb jokes that aren't true. Like that one. That definitely isn't true. You'll prove it. There. See? That Hummel kid deserved that. A fag wouldn't think that. A fag wouldn't beat up his fellow fag. A fag wouldn't enjoy the sight of Hummel panting against a locker, wouldn't enjoy seeing his face flushed and his hair messy. A fag wouldn't make him stop what he's doing and focus on you and only you, no-one else. Hummel is thinking about you...

No, no, no. Stop it! What the fuck are you doing? Why do you keep making these jokes? Just to prove it's not true? Because it's not; you're not gay. And because you're not you've got to stop thinking these thoughts. These are gay thoughts. And you're not gay.

* * *

You're gay. There's no denying it. You're a queer, a fucking fag. You like dudes. You're completely fucked up. You're gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. That's you.

Not too gay though. After all, you only like Hummel and he's practically a girl anyway, so you're not really...no, stop it. You're gay and that's final. You need to establish that so that you can move on and start to fix it. You can beat this. Being gay doesn't mean anything. You don't have to think gay thoughts, or do gay things, or really be gay at all. You're not some fucking fairy. Under no circumstances should you ever do anything remotely homosexual.

* * *

You kissed Hummel. Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God. Why, why, why, why? . Fuck! Fuck to hell, all fucking fucks...why! It was just he was there, you were there, no-one else was, he was yelling at you, he was insulting you, he was angry, you were angry, and you just couldn't help yourself. Fuck. You shouldn't have done that. Really. Now he'll know. He'll tell everyone; everyone will know. You'll be the laughing stock of the entire school. Your friends will reject you, your family will hate you and kick you out, and your life will be over before you've even finished high school. You might as well die. You would be perfectly happy if a great big fucking pit opened up right now and swallowed you whole. Only it couldn't swallow you whole because you're so fucking fat. And ugly, and Kurt thinks you're ugly and everything's just so fucking gay! Fuck.

* * *

It's okay. You've got the situation under control. No-one else was in that locker room, no-one else saw what happened. Oh God, what if he's told someone? He's already told his boyfriend. His fucking boyfriend. That smarmy rich kid, talking down his nose at you; what a prick. As if you'd talk to him. Why would Kurt date him anyway? He's only good looking and-

Stop it. You're not doing anything gay, remember? Besides kissing Hummel, and winking at Hummel, you're not doing anything...oh God, why did you wink at him? What could that possibly achieve? He's right - you're fucking stupid.

No, no, no, stop it. Calm down. It's alright. Everything is alright. It will all be fine if you just calm down. So stop. Breathe. Assess the situation. What happened? You kissed Hummel. Hummel told his fuckhead boyfriend. That's it. No-one saw you. No-one else knows. But what if he tells someone else? You'll be ruined, that's what. But no, relax, it's fine. If Hummel tells anyone, no-one will believe him. He's the homo, you're the jock. He's the one who likes to run around kissing boys, not you. No-one will believe you kissed him. If anything they'll think he kissed you. Yeah; that could work. It's his fault you kissed him anyway. He's always there in some fancy outfit, taunting you, teasing you, always in your face. What were you supposed to do? When he's at you, yelling like that, what else can you do? Yes, it's his fault. And if it's his fault and he's responsible for it, that practically means he did it, right? Yeah. He kissed you. You can work with that. And it's almost true. So that means that you didn't really do anything gay at all. You have nothing to worry about. You've got yourself a good reputation over the years and it will be your word over his. But what about those glee club losers? Shit. They'll believe anything he says. What's worse, they hate you. They're probably holding out for some dirt on you, true or not. They're looking for revenge for all the shit you gave them, and that Hummel kid will be leading the charge. God knows you've given him enough reason. Why did you have to be such a damn prick? He's probably already told them. They're probably already hiding away, forming their little plan to humiliate and shame you. Oh God, what are you going to do? What are they going to do? Who knows what-

No! Fuck that! Fuck them! They're the losers, you're the jock; you're above them. You can handle them. First you've got to deal with Hummel. Find out who he's told; stop him from telling anyone else. Keeping him quiet will be difficult – he's sure to want to start his payback as soon as possible. If you ask him not to tell he probably will, just to spite you. You'll have to take extreme measures. You'll have to scare him into not telling. You can do that. You've got this. You can handle it. Everything will be okay.

* * *

You're not okay - you're a wreck. Your life is falling apart and there's nothing you can do to stop it. You're tired, so very, very tired. How did you even get here? You were in your car before...oh, who cares? It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. You're gay, you're ugly, you're fat, you're stupid, and you're obsessed with Kurt Hummel. Completely obsessed. You kissed him. Now he knows. And he hates you. What's the point of even trying? Everything is completely fucked up.

* * *

Everything is okay. Everything will be fine, now that Kurt is gone. He's left. You made him leave – this is all your fault. It's your fault he's gone and you'll never see him again. This is...good. Really good. You made him leave. You mustn't like him that much if you did that. And now you don't have to worry about Hummel prancing around, rubbing his fagginess in your face anymore. This is great! This is fucking fantastic. Now you can concentrate on getting back to normal. Because you're not gay. Not really.


End file.
